Can I trust what my heart is telling me?

There comes a point in reconnecting with yourself when the questions start to change.

At first, you’re simply trying to year your own voice again.
What gives me energy?
What drains me?
What am I curious about?
What do I miss?
What feels like me?

And then if you pay attention long enough, something interesting happens.

You start getting answers.

That’s when things can get a little uncomfortable.

Because hearing yourself is one thing.

Trusting what you hear is another.
_________________________

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

There are things in my life that I know.
Not know in the sense that I can prove them.
Actually, that’s part of what makes this difficult.
It’s more like quiet recognition.
Something feels different.
Something keeps pulling at me.
Something I once wanted doesn’t hold quite the same energy anymore.
Something I didn’t expect to matter very much, suddenly matters a lot.

And my first instinct is often to interrogate it.
Is this real?
Is this just a phase?
Am I romanticizing this?
What if I’m wrong?
Shouldn’t I just be grateful for what I already have?

All very reasonable questions.

But I’ve started noticing how quickly reasonable questions can become a way of talking myself out of something I already know.
_________________________

We are taught to trust a lot of things outside ourselves.
Data.
Experts.
Experience (sometimes not even ours).
Logic.
Other people’s opinions.
The sensible choice.

And those things matter. I’m not interested in throwing common sense out the window because something “feels right.”

But where does our own knowing belong in that equation?

When did we decide it was the least reliable source in the room?
_________________________

Maybe part of reconnecting with yourself is learning the difference between an impulse and something deeper.

An impulse tends to arrive loudly and want answers right now.

The things I am learning to pay attention to are different.
They are quiet.
And persistent.
They keep returning.
The idea you can’t quite stop thinking about.
The place where something in you settles.
The think you lose track of time doing.
The thought that makes absolutely no sense on paper yet somehow makes you feel more like yourself.
Sometimes it’s not even something you want to do.
It’s simply a way you want to live.

And when those things keep returning, I’ve started wondering if maybe they are worth listening to.
Not immediately obeying.
Listening to.
There’s a difference.
_________________________

I’ve spent much of my life believing clarity would arrive before action.

First I’d know.
Then I’d move.

But I am beginning to think I’ve had that backward.

Some of the clearest things I’ve learned about myself came because I moved toward something I was curious about and watched what happened.
I tried something.
I payed attention.
I noticed how I felt.
Then I took another step.
No grand plan.
No guarantee.
Just evidence.
And somewhere along the way, the next step became easier to see.
_________________________

Maybe that’s what trusting yourself actually looks like.
Not standing at a crossroads feeling completely uncertain about which road leads where.
Maybe it’s quieter than that.
This feels true enough to explore.
And then you exlpore it.
You don’t need to burn your life down.
You don’t need to announce a new identity.
You don’t need to know where it leads.
You simply stop dismissing what keeps asking for your attention.
_________________________

There’s a spiritual element to this for me that I don’t completely know how to explain.

I don’t believe we control every detail of what happens to us.

I also dont’ believe we’re just wandering around completely alone trying to force life into submission.

I think there’s something bigger at work.
Call it God.
The Universe.
Intuition.
Wisdom
What ever language resonates with you.
I just know there have been enough moments in my life when something made sense only after I followed it that I’ve become less interested in demanding the entire map before I am willing to take a step.

Maybe we’re not supposed to see that far ahead.
Maybe sometimes we’re only meant to recognize what ours to notice next.
_________________________

I’m still learning this.
I still question myself.
I still want proof.
I still occasionally wish someone would hand me a folder labeled:
YES. THIS IS THE RIGHT DIRECTION. PROCEED.
That has yet to happen.
What has happened is quieter.
I’ve started recognizing what it feels like when something is true for me.
And perhaps more importantly, I’m getting better at not immediately explaining it away.
_________________________

Maybe that’s the relationship we’re rebuilding when we reconnect with ourselves.
Not certainty.
Trust.
The kind that says:
I don’t know exactly where this leads.
I may change my mind.
I may learn something I didn’t expect.
But I trust myself enough to find out.

And right now, I think that’s enough

~ Christeen